


Part of me wants you, but most of me needs you

by Death2Toby



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Inspired by Music, M/M, Sad, Stucky - Freeform, This is so sad why did i do this, i am in physical pAin, major angst, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 09:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12651111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death2Toby/pseuds/Death2Toby
Summary: In which Steve has been searching for Bucky for a long time and maybe finds him.EDIT: friends pls re-read this now that i have fixed the INSANE amount of typos this is what i get for writing fic on my phone and then not proofreading, i look like a fool.





	Part of me wants you, but most of me needs you

For 6 months Steve had been searching, following every wisp of a lead, every ice cold trail, to no avail. He lay down in yet another seedy motel, tonight he was somewhere in fucking Idaho, and let the weight of everything settle on him once again. He was so, so tired, tired of this life, tired of missing him, but he’d never been one to give up. And when he saw, in his mind’s eye, visions of him, smiling, laughing, loving, some of them dreams, some fantasies, some memories, he had to keep searching. It was all he had. 

When Bucky showed up that night, it should have been a surprise, but it wasn’t. He slipped under the covers beside Steve, who’d been wide awake and yet felt as though he was dreaming. Steve wanted more than everything to sink into his lover’s embrace, breathe in his smell so that he could feel alive again, but he feared that even to brush his fingertips over Bucky’s cheek would shatter this moment. The two of them were suspended in time, there, in the dark. Steve clung to the moment, floated apart in it, wishing that this was all that was left for the two of them to do, until finally, Bucky spoke. 

“I came here to tell you to stop looking for me,” he murmured, barely above a whisper. 

“I don’t have to anymore, you’re here.” 

“But I can’t stay.” 

Steve shut his eyes, and breathed deeply, wondering if it was even worth it to remain composed. Of course. Of fucking course. “Why,” he choked out, not really asking. The weight that had lifted when he made out Bucky’s silhouette entering the room had crashed back down into him, holding him down. 

Bucky spoke as though he’d been planning the conversation for a long time, not rehearsed, but convicted. “Steve, there’s no way that things can go back, I know you know that.” 

The two continued staring up at the ceiling, lying beside one another, as Steve tried to make sense of the other man. “I’m not looking for the past. I’m looking for you.” 

“But I’m not who you were looking for, Steve. I can’t be who you need me to be.” 

“And you know what I need?” 

“You have to go back to your friends, your team. They need you, and you need them.” 

Steve had left behind the guilt of abandoning his comrades long ago, but Bucky pulled it out of him anyway. He hadn’t left so much as an explanation behind. “I need you.” 

“No, you don’t. I was dead to you before. It was better that way.” His tone didn’t change. 

This was enough to break whatever restraint had been holding Steve down, he smoothly sat up, and tried to make out Bucky’s features in the splash of moonlight coming through the window. He remembered their first kiss. He remembered when he first saw the Winter Soldier. Bucky was trying his damnedest to kill him, but even then, Steve felt hope. He could save his friend. He could undo it all. That was what had been driving him all along, it was the only purpose he had in this world anymore. 

“Do you remember that one Christmas Eve, we went ice skating and you got sick from the cold?” Bucky waited for Steve to answer, but was met with silence. He continued. “I kept trying to get you to come home, but you stayed out there all night. I thought for sure I was gonna have to take you to the hospital.” He chuckled. “You never knew when to quit, Rogers.” 

“You always took care of me, Buck. I just want to take care of you, now.” 

I don’t need to be taken care of,” Bucky said sternly. 

The words twisted Steve’s stomach in on itself. 

“I’ve been alone for a long time,” Bucky said, “I’m used to it by now. And I know you think you can change it, but you can’t.” 

“If you just let me, I—“  
“No.” 

Steve could feel it in his bones, he was fighting a losing battle. Bucky pushed himself up, reaching out a hand before stopping just short of Steve’s. It made Steve wonder if he was talking to a ghost. 

“Do you remember when your sister found out about us,” Steve said, playing along. He knew what Bucky was doing, but he was powerless to stop it. 

“The look on her face was priceless,” Bucky said, smiling. 

“You were so scared.” 

“But she came around.” 

“Yeah,” Steve hummed, with a faint smile. 

“What about that time you found that stray cat in the alley?” 

Steve forced a chuckle. “That thing was sicker than I ever was. 

“Nasty, too,” Bucky laughed. 

They talked for hours that way. Sharing their favorite memories, all of them before war, all of them laced with an innocence and naivety that neither of them would ever feel again. It wasn’t until sunlight started to peer through the window that Steve finally let himself fall into Bucky’s chest. Sleep pulled them under. Just before he drifted off, he felt the distinct shape of Bucky’s lips press into his hair gently, and heard him whisper faintly. “Remember me that way.” 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when Bucky disappeared, but it was. Steve woke to an empty bed, and felt a strangled cry catch in his throat. His every vein burned with a loss that he could not explain, and he was once again crushed with the weight of it, the sadness, the feeling that a piece of him was missing. He wanted to search, but somehow he knew, that there was nothing left to find.

**Author's Note:**

>  _you're a brother to me_  
>  _you're my partner in crime_  
>  _you're the feeling I get when I'm feeling fine_  
>  _and part of me wants you but,_  
>  _most of me needs you_  
>  _so I won't fall unless you ask me to_  
>     
> Steamroller by Phoebe Bridgers
> 
> I'm on [tumblr.](http://joshgrobanismykink.tumblr.com/)


End file.
